Read

this article and some of the comments on Racialicious. How does that make you feel?

It left me teary eyed and heart weary, but mostly angry. I am sad and angry because I can relate with being not-raped and feeling like I could not tell anyone because there was nothing to tell anyway.

Rape was something we could identify, an act with a strict definition and two distinct scenarios. Not rape was something else entirely. Not rape was all those other little things that we experienced everyday and struggled to learn how to deal with those situations.

Like the time a boy stuck his tongue in my ear while he was hugging me when I was 19, or the uncomfortably close and long hugs of an older man who took it to the next level by rubbing my breasts when he thought I was asleep. "If you hug me, it will be less cold."

Creepy late night calls from your boss (my first internship)... Or the time a workmate cornered me by the toilets and tried to kiss me. I turned away and he got my cheek but I wasn't any less humiliated. (This same man continued to harass me - asking for hugs, offering massages, attempting to rub my shoulders or touch my hair, sending me inappropriate messages. It did not seem to matter that I was not interested or that he was married).

Being treated like that by people that I thought I knew and thought I could trust was more than humiliating. The fact that I felt that I could not tell anybody or expect anything to be done (like what?!) if I had is even sadder.

Other

Sometimes I pretend to be sick or uninterested when I am invited to parties. On the rare occasion that I convince myself to show up, I cling to my sister/boyfriend/best friend/person I went with. I will most likely lean away from other people while playing up my hearing difficulty. I will yawn, text a lot and/or leave early. Sometimes I will drink too much alcohol too quickly so that I am drunk and indifferent or drink only soda so that I can control my impulses and practice sober sociability.

I find it very difficult to speak casually to people, even those I have known for a relatively long time. I have many things to say, but they are nowhere near my mouth. They lurk in corners, showing up too late or upside down. I tend to miss bits of conversation because I am distracted by my intense concentration and over analysis. Sometimes it gets easier with certain people, but groups always unravel me, leaving me mute and terrified.

It is both difficult and really easy for me to form close relationships. I am drawn to people I can speak to freely, or who speak to me freely. One of my closest friends is my friend because he ignored my awkwardness and talked to me all afternoon at a high school conference.

It is frustrating to be afraid of meeting new or old people at an age where 'shyness' should have been overcome, where I should have 'grown out' of my anti-social tendencies. It is easier for me to reject and avoid social situations than deal with the anxieties of attempting to be casual and cool.

I am jealous of my sister and my boyfriend for whom social life is a breeze. My own shortcomings are deeply frustrating especially when they mean that I spend Saturday night at home alone so that my boyfriend can have at least one night of not being my keeper. So that he can have fun and be outgoing without worrying about my stuttering panic-filled attempts at being normal.

I have an alter ego. Her name is not Sasha. She is funny, vivacious and says all sorts of witty things. People like to be around her and words pour out of her in audio, not only on paper or computer. She loves to meet new people and can walk across a crowded room without tripping, mentally or for real.

Creating Happiness

If I have to work at this job that I hate, I might as well do it with earphones and iTunes as my buddy. Wearing a leopard print skirt on Tuesday, all lipsticked up, eating Arisu cake, putting gchat to excellent use, diving into the internets, picturing my happy future.

If I'm going to be sad and mad, I might as well be happy too.

Suck it, sucky job and sucky people. I still WIN.

5 Things I Learned from my Trip to the Zoo

Last week I went to the zoo with the boy I am in love with. This was after about 6 months or more of planning and laziness. Ish is about learning and this is what it taught me:

1. TV lies. Animals are way bigger than you think! You know those dreams you have of going to 'Africa' and playing with lions and chimpanzees? Stop that ish. Those things will sit on you and kill you. And also eat you.

2. Wear proper walking shoes. Also don't take a huge bag filled to the brim with the heaviness of your life.

3. Go with company. Most preferably someone that knows where everything is because he/she has been there a gazillion times before and knows you well enough to tell you to avert your eyes when you come to the creepy snake display.

4. Take a book and read while you lounge at the zoo cafe where you will go to rest your feet and enjoy the lake-y breeze thingy.

5. Relax and enjoy it because if you are with that someone from #3, he will not mind that you stare at the parrots for such a long time, talk out loud to the Shoebilled Stork or cry a little for the eagles that can't fly away.

Bonus lesson - Go again. Go to other places. Make plans and do things. Life is short and whatever.

Kiss somebody today and mean it.

NYE Party

urges

brightest midnight

" Go. Jump off. Fly"

Voices.

alternate experiences, stifled happiness

claustrophobic meetings, smiles and expectations

half turns

escape to free fall.


Repeat.