in a word

Creating Happiness

2012-01-31T10:19:00.000+03:00

If I have to work at this job that I hate, I might as well do it with earphones and iTunes as my buddy. Wearing a leopard print skirt on Tuesday, all lipsticked up, eating Arisu cake, putting gchat to excellent use, diving into the internets, picturing my happy future.

If I'm going to be sad and mad, I might as well be happy too.

Suck it, sucky job and sucky people. I still WIN.

5 Things I Learned from my Trip to the Zoo

2012-01-24T14:21:00.001+03:00

Last week I went to the zoo with the boy I am in love with. This was after about 6 months or more of planning and laziness. Ish is about learning and this is what it taught me:

1. TV lies. Animals are way bigger than you think! You know those dreams you have of going to 'Africa' and playing with lions and chimpanzees? Stop that ish. Those things will sit on you and kill you. And also eat you.

2. Wear proper walking shoes. Also don't take a huge bag filled to the brim with the heaviness of your life.

3. Go with company. Most preferably someone that knows where everything is because he/she has been there a gazillion times before and knows you well enough to tell you to avert your eyes when you come to the creepy snake display.

4. Take a book and read while you lounge at the zoo cafe where you will go to rest your feet and enjoy the lake-y breeze thingy.

5. Relax and enjoy it because if you are with that someone from #3, he will not mind that you stare at the parrots for such a long time, talk out loud to the Shoebilled Stork or cry a little for the eagles that can't fly away.

Bonus lesson - Go again. Go to other places. Make plans and do things. Life is short and whatever.

Kiss somebody today and mean it.

NYE Party

2012-01-06T13:51:00.000+03:00

urges

brightest midnight

" Go. Jump off. Fly"

Voices.

alternate experiences, stifled happiness

claustrophobic meetings, smiles and expectations

half turns

escape to free fall.

Repeat.

2011-12-09T11:47:00.001+03:00

I paid a man for my freedom
and held my breath as he reached
across with balled up fists

((guess which one)

that uncurled into an offering of blood,
my fears mixed with inadequate prayers
to form a face
of stone and crimson ash.

(wear it, bear it)

In love

2011-12-08T16:17:00.001+03:00

Beauty and truth. On tumblr too.

Love and Acceptance

2011-12-06T11:37:00.001+03:00

When I was much much younger my mother would pinch my nose between her fingers and tell the story of how much smaller it was when I was a baby. She would explain to people (I was just a prop) how she had hoped it would be small and thin like hers, but alas it turned out fatter. I know that this must have been her way of mourning a part of me that didn't look like her but to me it seemed like criticism of my fat nose.

When I was 16 I naively asked my boyfriend if there was anything he would change about me. We were cuddling on the couch at his parents' house and I was hoping for an affirmation of my awesomeness. Instead I got a comment on my too small (for him) boobs and a list of physical features that would improve my looks (my sisters were used as examples of perfect this and that).

When I was 21 or 22, the boy I thought I was in love with asked me why I didn't get my hair straightened or my nails professionally done. My hair then was a study in not giving a fuck. Twists one day, hot combed the next, afro the day after next; whatever I felt like really. I gave myself manicures with little flower drawings and uneven finishing. I was 'weird'. His word. He thought my weirdness was cute, just not enough to love me in public. So we kissed in the dark, had dates in places his friends wouldn't be and then he went back to the girlfriend that was popular and more mainstream (long ass perm, manicured/pedicured, eyebrows tweezed beautiful).

The point (or non point) of this mini ramble is that people have had different expectations of what I should look like (too thin then, too fat now, I should tame my kinky hair, have it plaited or straightened or something), how I should act (I am too reserved, I should speak more, be more social) what I should be doing with my life blah blah.

I wish I could say that it doesn't bother me anymore (in truth it bothers me much less than it used to), but it does. I am still insecure about what I look like and how people perceive my actions or non actions. My jealousies will come knocking when I see my boyfriend maybe stare at a girl with permed hair (my little kinky afro is still some ways from bad assness). I cry when I don't fit in clothes that used to slide comfortably over my (non) hips. I flinch when my sisters touch my wobbly tummy or pinch my rolls. Getting ready in the morning is a see-saw of pleasure and grimaces from shower to mirror. Being in social situations is usually headache inducing, I tend to cling to my friends and make no new ones.

I still struggle with accepting who I am now. I would like to think that being with a guy who thinks I am beautiful the way I am means that I have found some measure of acceptance. The fact that he is not asking me to change in any way must mean something, right? (Or am I again putting too much stock into what he thinks and not what I feel?) His words must carry some echo of feelings that are mirrored in my mind. What is that cliche thingy again? You'll only be able to accept the love of others once you learn to love yourself or something like that.

He loves me. Kinky hair, fuller figure, reclusiveness, antisocial, scarred and all. He thinks I am wonderful. I have to agree, right?

2011-11-15T09:36:00.001+03:00

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Elevenses

2011-11-11T11:10:00.001+03:00

The post before this one was my 111th and I wasted it on iffy self pity. Boo me. If I had any sense I would have saved it for today and posted at 11:11am on the dot. I has the elevenses.

1. I love my sisters.
2. I have shockingly fat wrists. Like a guy. Yuck.
3. I hate my job (and the one before this).
4. I am wearing three different prints today. My 'Zanzibar' dress, an African print waist coat (an original B Daisy) and my fave leopard print scarf. Yay me!
5. Bah
6. I used to bite my nails. Now they grow like weeds!
7. I have read (or attempted to read) all of the books on my shelf. I need a new book!
8. I wish I had my sisters' hair (the kind that is black and thick, and grows really fast and curls when you tell it to).
9. People frighten me and make me lose my words.
10. I am way too self involved.
11. and supersensitive *kanye shrug

2011-11-08T15:27:00.002+03:00

Stuff happens and the bigness of it is like nothing you have ever experienced. It stops you right in your tracks and puts the smile on your face out of place. The bigness of it burrows into your core and makes everything else puny or flat. It is the only thing you can focus on in all of its big ass 3D glory. It makes you wonder whether you really believed any of those things you thought you were unwavering on. This big thing didn't even listen to the arguments, it swatted your resistance away like there was nothing there. There was nothing there. Sometimes stuff happens and you realise that there was nothing there to begin with. Those things you held onto tightly that defined who you were, they are nothing. Mean nothing at all. You are not who you thought you were. Maybe you are now who you have always been, except with the facade stripped away. Not in layers. All at once it seems; last week you were this girl and maybe more, and now, before you can process the change, there is nothing where you used to be. All that is left is a vague memory of pain.

It can get WORSE!

2011-11-03T15:52:00.000+03:00

You know that iffy time you didn't have enough money to buy those shoes, get that humongous burger from Soho and watch a movie at overpriced-plex or buy 100 more skirts (even those that are just 2k) and you turned every smile upside down and hated on the world and its mother and made life hard for your boyfriend?This shit is worse. Suck it up or die. Or suck it up and die. Whichever works. Just. Don't. Whine.Instead, look for smiley, pseudo happy things on the Internetz, paint suns and hearts on your boyfriend's glass ware and wear that top backward, just because you can.Mostly, kiss your boyfriend because he is maybe the best friend you've ever had and he really does do ish to make life less sucky because of love and what not.

Lessons

2011-10-18T15:09:00.006+03:00

Paragraphs are hard to write. Long sentences take too much time and commitment. Friendships die and resurrect and then die again, and it doesn't matter how many texts you send or hugs you give.

Just because last October was eventful doesn't mean this one will be. (Last October I quit my then job, and then rafted on the Nile. I am having a stare-down with my October 2011 calender. Two weeks to top last year or ... something.)

Substituting 'busyness' for 'wellness' does not work. At the beginning of the year I was desperate for inspiration/reason/distraction which led me to charity groups and partying. Lost causes and dying friendships were the cost because apparently choosing friendship over things doesn't magically make things better.

Love is a sneaky bastard. See, somewhere in the mess of dull chaos (see above) I found a boy. And the boy found me. Now there is hand holding and sleepy afternoons and a lot of giggles. Also there are fights and sulks and stupidity and stormy afternoons which make keeping each other even more precious.

Wardrobes are important, don't take them for granted. Making decisions in my head doesn't mean the universe will magically translate them into affordable living options and move me and my friends into them. Finding a house that you like and can afford is murder.

Indifference is not your friend. It will make you look at things or people you could have sworn you loved and not even feel a twinge.

Love, compromise and knots.

2011-05-05T13:21:00.008+03:00

Big words make my head hurt. Jumbled up, coming out wrong. Different. Wrong? I want to quit my job. Again. Is that an(other) example of my lack of commitment or my refusal to compromise on happy? How do you even compromise on happy? Less than happy is sad, right? I almost hate how simple everything is once it's not complicated. I have tangles and knots in my hair* and I'm in this deeper than I thought. Love is precious and absurd and maybe all in my head. Feelings are so weird. Like a song you can't forget or a mosquito that won't quit (don't quit).

*Almost one year natural. :) Growth challenge is so on.

Dear the last person I kissed...

2011-03-30T12:12:00.002+03:00

You make me glad I never really gave up believing in unicorns and rainbows and butterflies. I'm not sure whether you make me laugh the hardest because I like you tres tres much, or if I like you tres tres much because you make me laugh the hardest.

Happiness is the ish.

Kisses

Els

Ring Ring

2010-11-28T08:28:00.004+03:00

-Mr Tendo
-HAHAHA! eejit
-eh? What's up?
-Nothing. Where are you?
-Wandegeya. Why?
-No reason. Just saying wazza.
-Thank you.
-For?
-Checking on me. Love you.
-eh?
-I love you.
-Whatever. See you at 5?
-Yes. Bring your friend.
-But you guy...
-*chuckle*
-Call you later?
-Cool cool. See you. Greet Amooti.
-Ok. Bye babe.

I'd rather make up/remember old conversations with you than make new ones with other people. I love you forever, which is a long time to be living off memories. I wish you would call.

Going left

2010-11-16T17:40:00.002+03:00

Sometimes losing control is the only way to keep your place. Save your face. Eat your cake. Left is the new right, dark the new light. Happiness and tears are besties. Boats and moats keep you away. Clarity is drowned in the cold. I belong to the sun and you belong with me. My darkness for yours? I have all the answers and none of the questions. Dog days are over.

Dear Daddy

2010-10-17T00:41:00.004+03:00

I hate that you're not a trekkie anymore. I thought we could bond over that but alas, you've gone over to the other side. :( I guess I'll have to learn to live with that. At least we still have the Beatles, Coldplay and Simon Templar, eh?

p.s. I sort of quit my job. :/ ...Longish story. Mummy will tell you all about.

Dear Mummy

2010-10-05T15:03:00.002+03:00

I really would like a destination wedding. Like for real. I know you think I'm kidding half the time (and I am), but not this time. I really really really want to get married on a beach. I know its weird, and it doesn't fit in your suka wearing, plans but it's what I want. Think about it. The lucky thing is that I haven't even met him so we still have some time to iron out the kinks and what not. I promise. I was kidding when I said I wanted you to meet him, what what. I can be silly. Sorry.

Watching you laugh so hard you cried last week was the best thing ever. You don't really laugh enough. It was even better that it was at that tadpoley thing that guy did on Total Wipeout. Sorry we didn't pay attention to what you were saying after that. We're eejits. One of the things I love most about daddy is that he makes you laugh. Ok, so most of the time he's making us laugh at your expense, but its especially nice when you're laughing too. I hope my guy makes me laugh. Actually I know he will. No compromise on that.

I'm sorry I'm so lazy and I don't help out like I should. What I lack in chores I make up for in entertainment, right? And hugs! :)

Mummy, I don't like my job. I know you think its because I'm young, and overly naive and irresponsible and careless. But it's not. Atleast not entirely. I want to be doing something that I believe in. Like you are. You still talk about your job. I don't remember the last time I did that. Except to disparage what I do (or don't do) or hate on my boss and what not. I want to believe in something enough to go back to school and teach (or not) and then come home and share with my family. This job really doesn't give me that. I feel like two different people. The non-me me at work and then the me at home. Its been a year and still its a non-fit. I know winners don't quit, but I want to do just that, mummy. Just this once. Please. I'm glad you made me stick it out with that undergrad nightmare, and I'm really grateful for all those graduate school thingys you are always sending me. I really am. Even though I pretend to not pay attention and lose the links and miss deadlines (sorry). I'm glad you're always pushing me. Just not with this job please. Let me let it go.

I do believe in God. Just not in people. Not a lot anyway. I believe in love. I believe in marriage, in monogamy, in faithfulness, in honesty, in strength, in steadfastness. I believe in tolerance. I believe that consenting adults have the right to love whom they choose. Gay, straight, muslim, white...who cares? I'm ashamed when I realise how prejudiced I already am. I'm working hard to change that. And yet when that muslim boy thought I was inviting him to your house for dinner I laughed at him. It's not right that I hid him from you. I'm ashamed of me for that. I find it hard to believe in a Christian love that is so constrictive, so exclusive, so disapproving. I'd rather just be human.

I'm sorry about your mum. She and I don't have a relationship so the only pain I feel is for you. It's been such a huge strain on you and I'm dealing with my anger toward her because of that but at the same time I know that if it were you lying on that bed, I'd do it all too.

Thank you for loving me and worrying about me. I'm sorry for not eating supper enough and spending so much time away from home and for not understanding your taste in shoes. You're a great mummy. I hope I'm not doing too badly as a daughter.

bzus,

Els

I broke my bum

2010-09-20T16:55:00.003+03:00

But that didn't stop me from dancing like a maniac, jumping up and down and sideways (falling) on a trampoline or wearing non-flat shoes to work today.

I'm either;

a)Stupid
b)Invincible
c)Suicidal
d)all the above

*my bum thinks (a) pretty much sums it up

Bayimba!

2010-09-19T13:12:00.004+03:00

A rock band

Silent Disco

A TRAMPOLINE!
err, no pic. But it was crazy fun. And I fell and almost broke a kid. But we laughed it off. And jumped even higher!

cheat

2010-09-17T22:17:00.004+03:00

this is not a letter again. I'm cheating.

I've been thinking about my love history a lot lately. It's because of that thing people say, 'to know where you're going you have to know where you're coming from' or whatever. So I've been sort of retracing my steps so I know what's coming. I've made some disturbing self-discoveries from my research/reminiscing/boredom;

a) boredom makes me do strange things. Like kiss boys and then pseudo fall in love with them because kissing boys you don't love is a sin.
b) relationships are hard work. I'm really lazy.
c) kissing other people's people might be more fun than kissing six month old people
d) I still believe in forever after love.
e) I don't know if that makes me happy or sad or afraid.

Everyone I know that's happily married had met their other by the time they were my age.* Most days I don't care about this. Today I sort of do. Drat.

*this might not be especially true any other day

Dear Crush

2010-09-15T15:49:00.003+03:00

I'm sorry it's taken a broken bum for me to write this. I meant to do it ages ago but other stuff always happened. It's still taken me three days of being laid up to do it anyway so maybe I shouldn't blame that other stuff.

Hi OR,

You're so cute *giggle*. Atleast you were. I haven't seen you in eons so that might have changed. I know you're a long ago crush but you're the first one that came to mind. Maybe the best one? Who knows, eh? Anyhow, I wonder how you are. Do you still like Coldplay? Yeah? Me too. It's an obsession, right? Not always a healthy one, but that's ok. I can't even remember the last time I saw you. If I'd known it was the last time I'd have sneaked a picture. All I can remember is the time you smiled at me. Remember that? In the parking lot opposite Senate. I must have been rushing to a class, and you must have been rushing somewhere too. I looked up and there you were. Of course I looked away and started to look at the ground, the sky, the nothing...everywhere but at you. Then I sneaked a look and you were smiling. Like at me. Just so you know, that ka shaky smile isn't how I usually do. I have some major wattage. For real. It was just a shock to see you smiling at me. I know we'd done the walk past each other thing all year but I didn't think it would ever go to the next level or any level for that matter. So I half-smiled maybe half-fainted and when i came to you were gone. Maybe if I'd acted like a regular human you'd have said,
'Hi beautiful.'
And I'd have said,
"Hey gorgeous."
And you'd be rushing here to rub my sore behind right now... Sigh...

Anyhow, it's ok about the behind. It's a lot better than yesterday. I still like fries by the way. Haven't found any better than Gonja fries yet. I miss Gonja, don't you? I sort of miss uni...

I work in the communication industry now. Not the Post Office (although I wouldn't mind that). I do random stuff. Still finding my footing. What I really want to do is draw butterflies and bake cakes and frost cakes and sew things. Weird, huh? I know. I think you work in a bank now. Or used to. I don't know anymore. Sometimes I wish I did. But then other times I think maybe it was for the best that it never happened. Because then we'd have gone for coffee or a movie and we'd have discovered watnots about each other. And even if we'd handled that we'd still have to deal with the curse of the eighth month, so maybe not happening was for the best, eh? Atleast I still have you for ever, right? You saved me from an icy death, you know? Did I ever mention that? One moment I was trapped in the evil clutches of a Russian and then (several moments later) you were making me smile lopsided smiles and thinking lopsided things again. You were just what I needed. An excellent way to thaw a heart without the messy repercussions of rebound dating. Thank you for that.

Bzu

Els

ps. hey superman vest guy, you were gonna be the now crush but you never shared your playlist so... I know you live in my computer but still!

pps. Have you met her? Or her?

This is NOT a letter eejit!

2010-08-25T09:43:00.003+03:00

*I've been incepted. I can't stop thinking about Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

*I need to be less selfish and put people's feelings before my bizarre need for affection and attention.

*Forgiveness is much harder than it sounds.

*I'm a social cripple without my family because I can't be bothered to explain myself in more than half sentences most times. This (more often than not) results in endless frustration when other people don't understand my out of context mumbles.

*Writer's block is not cool. Especially when one is attempting to work in communication.

*I can't stand indifference. Even from myself.

My darling bestie

2010-08-16T21:51:00.002+03:00

I have the worst friend etiquette in the world. Non-etiquette if you will. I don't call you, text you or see you nearly enough. But what is enough anyhow? Who knows, eh? I'm such a socially inept person it's still a shock to me that I could have actually made (and kept!) a friend this long considering how forgetful, insensitive, incredibly selfish and sulky I can be. Plus there's that time not keeping thingy. :p But you love me. And I love you.

I meant for this to be a long long letter on the importance of friendship, the blessings of loving and laughing and fighting and all that ish, but I went blog trawling on the internet and can now barely stay awake. See how bad I can be? I'm going to be better at this! Pinky promise.

Thank you for the chattering, the endless supply of junk food, the bar hopping, the road trips, the I-trust-you-enough-to-cry-infront-of-you sessions, the bad examples, the better examples, the bus journeys, the JUMPING (!!!), the bad romances, the sandwiches, the fries from Gonja, the shopping, the sleep-overs, the things, for loving my family, for letting me choose other people and things over you, for taking me back always, for the money, for the restraint, for the protection, for the butterfly, for the secret pig latin convos (only i still really don't get it...), for teaching me how to save, showing me where to spend and generally being a great wing person for all the adventures and non adventures (I can be your wing person in your movie if you like).

I don't always say it (maybe I never do?!) but I'd be terribly lost without you. I'm on your side even when I'm not.

bzu bzu

Els

*I have more than one 'bestie'. Read somewhere about the idea that soul mates is about having mates (said the proper English way) for your soul. I'm all for that.*

Misery

2010-08-15T09:44:00.003+03:00

I've misplaced my writing skills. That can only mean one thing. Writing project. I'll be writing letters for the next month or so. non yay. Either that or this dies. * this idea is respectfully borrowed from her.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Da da da dum....

Note to death and all his friends

2010-06-29T21:43:00.002+03:00

You haven't won. I'm so alive my head hurts, and he will never die. You can take him but you can't have him. He's with me, I'm with him. Forever ever.

P: I can't write (or do most other things) without thinking of you. I don't want to try not to. Two years really seems like an understatement. Just two words that I have to wrap around the pain I still can't describe. Two years doesn't do justice to all the dratted emotions and realities and what ifs. Going from insane to beyond and back to the edge again. I've been numb and still felt every whisper of despair. I've been cynical when I shouldn't and yet so full of hope it makes me smile when I am not crying.

I like to think you'd be proud. I know you'd be pushing me to do more though. You are pushing me to do more. You never quite let up, do you? I can still see you tilt your head and chuckle away at me. Forgive the cliche but I want to do more, experience more because of losing you. It makes me sad that you are not here while I waste my life too scared to do things that you'd do in a flash. I'm ashamed of wasting our life. Mine's yours too, you know. Your heart in mine forever, remember? Never forget. I never will.

Let's jump, shall we?

My heart

2010-03-17T12:15:00.005+03:00

is the most unruly thing! I declared the end of feelings and all that ish for any more boys (because they are stupid and we should throw stones at them) with my poor battered heart backing me all way. Next thing I know stupid thing is conniving with another of those to bring me down!!!! It freaking never learns. :)

Speaking of hearts, mine goes out to Oliver Mtukudzi. I cannot begin to imagine his pain. I was lucky enough to watch Sam perform. He was exceptional. God grant him peace.

Blogger has refused to upload the vid. :(

In a word?

2010-03-04T16:42:00.004+03:00

Metamorphosis. The me I am right now is a stranger. Reading old posts I barely recognise who I am now. I do the strangest things to myself and to other people. I make the weirdest choices, have the oddest thoughts. I have no idea who this person is and yet...I think i like her. Well, not as much as I did the other but she's not so bad. She stands up for herself (most times) and speaks her mind. She is firmer in her decisions (although she takes the longest time to make a decision) but best of all she is so much less tight assed. She doesn't care. Not too much anyway. She is so different, it's scary at times. People tend to like her less though. Not that I mind (too much). Maybe because she is less acceptable of nonsense and the like. She's different. It's refreshing. Maybe what I like the most is that she isn't clearly defined. She is this and yet that as well. I know its a phase and I'm glad for it. Change is good, no?

For Iwaya
It was really great meeting. You are even cooler in person. I'm an utter nutter for gushing so blatantly but you're the reason I started to blog in the first place.

Fast Forward

2010-03-01T15:32:00.003+03:00

All those people were right in the end. Graduation day really is special. Boring as hell, but special all the same. It was a long time coming but all worth it in the end.

Dr IS proud of me. Well, mostly he is. I know it hurts him that I haven't been to church in over a year but its easier to pretend I don't care than to try to explain all the issues.

I'm in the communication business. I have not written anything remotely personal in over a year. I'm so different from who I set out to be, it's alarming. I hope it's not too late to try though.

For P.
I know, I know...stop whining. I'm working on it. I promise.

Slow mo

2008-10-20T21:30:00.004+03:00

My father wants to talk to me about my 'plans'. I've been avoiding him for a while. He made it easy by practically moving to another country, but now he's back and he wants to talk. How do I tell him that I have no plans? No concrete ones really anyway. Especially now that I know for sure that because of very very stupid things I did I won't be graduating with my class, and that I have no interest in pursuing a career in the field in which I've been training for for the last three years, at his expense. The worst tpart is that he looks like he's going to do the whole 'I understand, where do we go from here' thing. He's going to forgive me and pat me on the back and make me cry. I want him to scream and yell and throw me out of his house instead. Ok, not really, what i'd really like is for a fast forward to when this is all over and I've finally done something that he can be proud of. Something that will make him smile instead of sigh and offer me up to God as one of the issues. So, I'm skirting around him, and I know how. I am not ready to have that talk, not this week anyway.

For P.
I hate how they say that you 'passed', like its a test and we're failing to do all the things that we must. You're rising, we're falling. The despair has no bottom , no sides, just a vague awareness of weight. My feet are firmly on the ground, no spring while I remember. I will not forget. Nor forgive. I promise. I have no forgiveness for you, for them or for myself. They say you are gone and yet you can't be, not while I'm still here. There must be a me with a you in a parallel universe listening to T.I's No Matter What which is so you. I don't see how else it could be. You must be, or I'm not.

Dear Bloggers

2008-09-25T16:39:00.002+03:00

A friend of mine is interested in interviewing bloggers for a research paper she is writing. Would you mind if she crashed UBHH with a notebook and an eye? Or if she emailed you and bothered you with questions and watnot? How about if she stalked you(ok, not really but, you know...)
Smiles

You are my obsession,

2008-09-13T22:18:00.004+03:00

the point of a circle that leads me to you whenever I turn away, that leads me astray when I'm here to stay. I mean so much more than the idea you have of me. I'm different, just the same. Is death the end or just another door shutting in my face? I'm flying at the bottom. The heights I've reached are still way below low level.
your heavy heart is made of stone. Chris Martin

2008-07-19T14:58:00.002+03:00

Hate is my only continuance. It numbs me from the pain I never want to meet.
My hope is at the bottom of a lake, the living fight over the dead, red cars keep me awake. The end of the world has come and gone, taking you with it, leaving us surrounded by a war we never asked to fight. Life goes on. I don't want to go without you. What is the point of life if it ends at the bottom of a lake surrounded by people you love and i hate?

hugging the wall

2008-06-04T15:57:00.002+03:00

I must confess that coming back is harder than leaving was. It doesn't help that Internet went away from our home last week and hasn't yet come back. And I hate cafes, because they steal my money. I prefer MTN, because they just steal my daddy's money.

My dad was giving me meaningful looks in the morning. I bumped into him at the place of ironing things(wussname?) and we got into a convo about 'what comes next'. Well he got into it. I was just dodging all the questions. So I told him I still have to finish my research and stuff, blah.... I was just mumbling away but he was actually listening because he kept asking me questions about what I'm researching, where, watnot... We were doing good, him with the questions, me with the mumbles and then he asked for my supervisors name. I tried to mumble that away but he got it out of me. Good thing is he doesn't know her because he was asking if she's helpful...wonder what he'd say if he found out that I'm the one that's stalling the project. So i survived that, and I even got some money too. I was so touched that he just up and gave me money because he 'hasn't given me money in a while'. His words. Although, maybe he read my mind and decided to beat me to it, because I was meaning to ask him for money...three times what he gave me. Have I been duped?

Is it possible that at 22 I have loved the love of my life and I'm now doomed to wallow in mediocrity forever?

words are another kind of violence

2008-05-29T11:10:00.002+03:00

Is it presumptious of me to believe that we can pick up where we left off?

let's see how far we've come

2007-11-17T12:07:00.000+03:00

I'll be 22 in exactly a month. I made a list of things to do before my 21st birthday,which carried on into this year because 21 came faster than I worked at them. Those things on the list are still pending. I'm learning to let them be. I made a wackier list for this year and now with a month to go I'm not sure where I stand. Because I cannot show you my list, I'm making you a special one. A list of how far I have come.

December 17th 1985: Nairobi peace deal was being signed. Keeping with the theme, my parents chose 'peace' as a name. Thankfully not in English, because it sounds better in the language of the Kings. Jaz says I was the yellowest baby she ever saw. My name is still the same although I fight way too much and I'm much much darker now.

December 17th 1988: My last born role had been usurped in June of that year. I was still smarting, although I was talking to my Ma again. The chocolate cake was kind of small, but it more than made up for me having to be moved to my bigger sister's Sunday school class. They say it's because I was afraid of being on my own. I wasn't afraid. I was upset because a white boy called me black. I'm still black. Proud of it too.

December 17th 1990: I had learned that to survive I must blend in. Unlike my older sister who insisted on keeping her 'accent', I lost mine and learned to imitate my nursery school teachers. She was labeled 'spoilt' and got a bad report while I was teased at home for saying 'sief' instead of 'thief'. I still blend but the Queen would be proud to hear me say 'thief' now.

December 17th 1992: I was still walking on the clouds after my stellar performance as half of the prettiest pair maids ever. My favorite shoes had been stolen but my cloud couldn't be touched. I've been a bridesmaid only once since. I still looked like a doll with all that makeup on. This time I kept my shoes myself.

December 17th 1994: P.3 was much harder than I thought. I was extremely wary of my teachers having heard the horror stories of Miss Wakabwa and Miss Nyanzi. They did not disappoint. Bamboo doesn't frighten me anymore. I would even decorate my house with it now.

December 17th 1998: I was teenager! I don't remember how I survived the year of the maroon coat. My daddy was so proud of me. Now he could say that being Head boy/girl run in the family. He didn't know how suffocated I felt seated next to the Headmaster at assembly, envying my friends who could laugh at the lower schoolers and teachers freely. I'm still maroon-coated everywhere I go. Responsibility is stalking me.

December 17th 2002: 'In love' for the very first time inspite of my sisters' pleadings. He said he wanted to be me and I was in free fall. Then he broke my heart and said it was because I was too good for him. I still don't know what love is, I'm still not listening to my sisters and still falling when I shouldn't.

December 17th 2005: 20 in Nairobi. Dealing with being a 'fresher' and getting over a broken relationship. Campus was totally different from what I thought it would be. No endless parties, a lot more work and less friends that stayed the same. I'm still baffled by campus and broken relationships are even more jagged and complicated.

November 17th 2007: I was a weird child,I'm an even weirder adult. A month to 22 and I'm afraid of looking at my list. So, I decided to ask you all to help here. Make me a new list for this last month.

p.s do take into consideration that I start exams week after next meaning that I can't leave Kampala, so make your suggestion Kampala oriented.

trepidation

2007-11-15T12:05:00.000+03:00

I don't remember where I put him. I should have marked it with a stone, something to remind me where not to tread. Silly of me to forget. I thought I would never forget. My hands were in the soil, tearing at it, marking it with rage. I thought I would remember always. I thought my tears had turned the ground red. Red with a keening, weeping sorrow. Red that would never fade. For days after my eyes were looking at that spot. I was looking at it, etching it on my memory even while I was turned away. I saw that spot and him in it in my sleep, in my wakefulness, in my in between. All I saw was that spot where I laid him. I remembered when all I wanted to do was forget. And now I can't remember where he is.

My flowers smell of him. Heady, sweet with a hint of rough. Like a wink. He is surrounding me, crushing me. I can't breathe when his scent is my air. I buried him. How can he be here,in tomatoes that taste of tongue and desire? In music that sounds like a memory, no matter how new? I can make out Chris Martin howling along in the wind. He is everywhere. Faraway from where he should be. He is everywhere and I am stuck in here.

He is out there. I feel him. I see him with my eyes squeezed shut. He is everywhere. I am trapped inside and he is out there. I buried him and now he is everywhere. I don't remember if X marks the spot. I thought that forgetfulness would make him disappear. But he is everywhere even though I don't remember where. I dug up the ground on purpose. I was losing him forever. Sending him faraway. I must remember where! He could be anywhere. I must define his space. Lock him onto that spot where I left him. I don't remember where he should be. I buried him and he is haunting me. Pervading my senses, extracting my sanity, bit by bit. Taking me closer to a lunacy I thought I had escaped. I don't remember where I buried him and he is still out there daring me to remember.

I'm a 7

2007-11-11T13:43:00.001+03:00

don't ask me, just do the damn thing.

To figure out your birth number, add all the numbers in the birth date together, like the example below, until there is only one digit.

Example: March 20, 1950

3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973

1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20

2 + 0 = 2

Keep going unto you end up with a single digit number. 2 is the birth number to read for the birth date in the example. Find your number and then read on.

#1 The Originator

#2 The Peacemaker

#3 The Life Of The Party

#4 The Conservative

#5 The Nonconformist

#6 The Romantic

#7 The Intellectual

#8 The Big Shot

#9 The Performer
# 1 - The Originator ... 1's are originals.
Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplomacy skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or bosses, as they like to be the best. Being self-employed is definitely helpful for them.
Lesson to learn: Others' ideas might be just as good or better and to stay open minded.

Famous 1's are Don Kotula,Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Hulk Hogan, Carol Burnett, Wynonna Judd, Nancy Reagan, Raquel Welch

#2 - The Peacemaker ... 2's are the born diplomats.
They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others before themselves.
Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't like to be alone.
Friendship and companionship are very important and can lead them to be successful in life,
but on the other hand, they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship.
Lesson to learn: Being naturally shy, they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express themselves freely and seize the moment and notput things off.
Famous 2's are President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopi Goldberg, Thomas Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

#3 - The Life Of The Party ... 3's are idealists.
They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and easygoing.
They start many things, but don't always see them through.
They like others to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it.
They are very popular and idealistic.
Lesson to learn: They should learn to see the world from more realistic point of view
Famous 3's are Alan Alda, Ann Landers, Bill Cosby, Melanie Griffith, Salvador Dali, Jodi Foster.

#4 - The Conservative ... 4's are sensible and traditional..
They like order and routine.
They only act when they fully understand what they are expected to do.
They like getting their hands dirty and working hard.
They are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature.
They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent.
Lesson to learn: They should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to themselves.

Famous 4's are Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tina Turner, Paul Hogan, Oprah Winfrey.

#5 - The Nonconformist ... 5's are the explorers.
Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often land them in hot water.
They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut.
The whole world is their school and they see a learning possibility in every situation.
The questions never stop.
Lesson to learn: They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions.

Famous 5's are Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte, Jessica Walter, Vincent Van Gough, Bette Midler, Helen Keller, and Mark Hail.

#6 - The Romantic ... 6's are idealistic
They need to feel useful to be happy.
A strong family connection is important to them.
Their actions influence their decisions.
They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help.
They are very loyal and make great teachers.
They like art or music.
They make loyal friends who take friendship seriously.
Lesson to learn: 6's should learn to differentiate between what they can change and what they cannot.

Famous 6's are Albert Einstein, Jane Seymour, John Denver, Meryl Streep, Christopher Columbus, and Goldie Hawn.

#7 - The Intellectual ... 7's are the searchers.
Always probing for hidden information,
They find it difficult to accept things at face value.
Emotions don't sway their decisions.
Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves.
They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is, "Slow and Steady Wins the Race.
They come across as philosophical and being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners.
They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information.
They love to uncover secrets.
Lesson to learn: They live in their own quiet world and could do a better job of learning what is acceptable in the world at large.

Famous 7's are William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson, Joan Baez, and Princess Diana .

#8 - The Big Shot ... 8's are the Problem Solvers.
They are professional, blunt and to the point, have good judgment and are decisive.
They have grand plans and like to live the good life.
They take charge of people.
They view people objectively.
They let you know in no uncertain terms that they are the boss.
Lesson to learn: They should learn to exude their decisions on their own needs rather than what others want.

Famous 8's are Edgar Cayce, Barbara Streisand, George Harrison, Jane Fonda, Pablo Picasso, Aretha Franklin, and Nostradamus.

#9 - The Performer ... 9's are natural entertainers.
They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to help
With their charm they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them.
They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them.
They are like chameleons, ever changing and blending in.
They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extreme in fortune and mood.
Lesson to learn: To be successful, they need to build a loving foundation.

Famous 9's are Albert Schweitzer, Shirley MacLaine, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Carter, Elvis Presley.

No More Keeping My Feet on The Ground

2007-11-06T19:39:00.000+03:00

I met with my supervisor today and she made me feel that I can actually do this whole research thingy. I'm optimistic. I'm going to get right on it. watch me my watchers... I also spent longer than five minutes in that reading place at the faculty. I'm always in and out, begging people to borrow text books for me. I have a deep fear of borrowing books. don't ask! I was in there because I have this whole pile of work to hand in this week...I'm a deadline person. there are some interesting books in there. I know this because everytime I go in there to do my reading I end up reading books that are interesting but have no relevance to what I should be doing. they make me like PR and advertising more though. Almost borrowed one today, then I slammed it down and hightailed it out of there like I was possessed. only started breathing after I was halfway home. don't ask!

I just finished Anchee Min's Empress Orchid. good read. word of advice, do not attempt to share the reading of this book with your siblings. older or younger. It will create numerous battles. however if you are a strategist like I am and are not afraid to use underhand tactics such as hiding said book in your school bag or bullying younger sibling, go right ahead. I won! I finished before either of them. muhahaha..! it might have helped that older sibling goes to work, younger sibling does Math and the book is kinda slim.

last night I was mean to a guy. I apologise. It's not him that I despise. It's my failure to see him like he wants me to. Every time I look at him I see white shoes in various forms, and I notice that his are only black. I wouldn't choose him over a russian. not even one that deserves no choosing. He is losing to memories. who am I kidding? he never had a chance.

he likes Coldplay. I like him more for it.

I want to go to Pallisa, who wants to come with?

of nothingness,devoid

2007-10-27T12:14:00.000+03:00

Something has left my life
And I don’t know where it went to
Somebody caused me strife
And it’s not what I was seeking.

Didn’t you see me, didn’t you hear me
Didn’t you see me standing there

My identity has been taken
Is my heart breaking on me
All my plans fell though my hands
They fell
Though my hands on me
it suddenly seems
Empty

emptiness is crowding me. filling up all the spaces happy should be in. making me panic with no place to run but insane. I'm a badly held together example of growing up. my soul is loose, wandering about on the boulevard of broken dreams. i thought I was visiting but I can't find my way out. is there a way out? unhappiness is addictive. the devil that I know best.

I'm bossy

2007-10-27T11:57:00.000+03:00

I want to be Kelis when I grow up

I like Photography

2007-10-13T15:28:00.000+03:00

i chose to drop it this semester because my uni won't let us do everything we want unless we pay more money and my daddy moved away. i do have a digital cam that I love to carry around, whip out and take shots of people or things. mostly me, but sometimes other people. why won't blogger let me post these pictures?

wordpress is tempting me.

I'm supposed to invent a new drink for class. alcoholic or otherwise. is it cheating if I ask what y'all think?

friends and family

2007-10-12T09:08:00.000+03:00

are the most important things in life. it's even better when your family are your friends and your friends become your family.

I declare today 'friends and family' day! don't tell MTN.

I thought my heart was coming back to life, but I think it was just gas. It's still stony, jagged, ripping my insides to shreds. pizza, ice cream, pork and cheeseburgers help.

as if

2007-10-09T23:34:00.000+03:00

why would a married guy even begin to think that I would have an affair with him? WHY? but that's not the best part. killer was when he mistook my incredulity at his suggestion for confusion or pain or whatever. then he offered to take care of it all, anti he is older and wiser, so I should leave all the details to him. mbu we just have to be together. WHAT THE FUCK?!

goody-two-shoes

2007-10-06T20:38:00.000+03:00

so, here's the deal. my dad is outside countries, my ma is with her ma in nyakarongo, my biggest sis is in kagameland, my married sis is well, married, my other sis is at a party sleepover thingy, my baby sis is not home....no parents and no responsibilities. and what am I going to do? go home, pig out in front of the telly and then go to bed. I know, I'm an embarrassment to the 20's!

cafe, so I best be going. hey all

pretty white shoes

2007-09-26T16:36:00.001+03:00

one glance at you
and the floor is above me
I can't find my shoe
it's getting awful barmy!

see, you make me write silly things that rhyme. you make me stand taller, smile brighter, even throw forks when I'm usually in control! Fantasia knows how you make me feel, 'cause when I see you...gosh! i was down the other day, then I saw you and it was like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. no explanation. you make my heart smile.

I miss walking past you, maybe catching a whiff of your cologne. I love those white shoes, you are so on! I miss sitting near you, ordering the same things, doing our own stuff, but doing them together in my head. and when you asked me if that chair was taken...boy you sure know how to make a girl swoon. my campus road misses you. not the same view out of my window without you.

I'm embarrasingly crushing on you. giddily able to shake that 'embarrass' off though. so, maybe I play it up a little, where else would I get drama. but you do me like that for real. I'm crushing and loving it.

you will probably never know my name, but that's ok. you have made me feel less love sick and more human. what more could I ask for? chris martin is smiling at me. not sadly, not with pity, but with hope. knowing that i'm not going to stop seeking and i sure as hell will be finding!

you are a symbol of hope for me. because you make me feel things that i thought i had left in a siberian wasteland. and russians don't scare me. maybe a little...but I'm a warm-blooded princess again, not a bloody ice queen anymore.

you make me laugh at myself. doing things I should have done when I was a teenager. I'm sweating in the cold, blushing, feeling the flush that's my body's way of reminding me that I can feel again. there's pain from the un-numbing of my big red tinker, but it won't kill me. tickle me, tingle like pins and needles, even make me smile because I know that the worst is over. i survived. and I have a crush on a smiling, white-shoed pretty boy.

plot kyi? or plot ki? where's the drinks?

2007-09-26T16:36:00.000+03:00

I kind of missed most of my classes last week, so I was quite determined to go to every class this week... how did that go? well, my achn tooth put paid to that. (Imust've gone to two classes atleast). and now it's the weekend! grad weekend rocks. so, now I'm waiting on my best friends and best family for plot. please Jaz. I promise that no boys will bother you. I promise thatI will set them on elle everytime. she can handle the lot of them for us.

I'm going through a bad health phase. mostly because i weigh like half of what I should at this age where I am teething again. I'm dizzy most of the time. dunno if it's from no sugar, no water, the pain, the pain meds or the combination of all that. I'm not doing too well. plus I'm reading a huge James Clavell that's bound to give me a tension headache...! banange blogger won't let me upload any pics! more pain in my head.

inspite of that I'm totally hanging where the party is at this weekend. famous last words?

growing pains

2007-09-21T18:15:00.000+03:00

I meant to write a long post because of my irregular posts, but now I can barely think because my head is filled with a smog of pain. mbu I'm growing a wisdom tooth or something. Plus I'm compounding the problem by blasting brick and lace in one ear while i try to hear NE-YO and Fabo in the other. that takes concentration. aren't y'all loving that 'love is wicked' song? totally hot. I'm going to be brick or lace when I grow up. maybe both, 'cause I'm already headed towards MPD anyway.
I need to put a disclaimer on my forehead. people need to know that it's the pain being bithcy, not me. I cannot find a nice thing to say, not one nice thought in my head. and now Lloyd is on. there goes my hope of finding happiness here!
will write when I have more wisdom and less pain.

don't speak

2007-09-12T08:48:00.000+03:00

don't say things we cant unsay
don't ask me to be her
who is your angel
when I know I'm still his
don't speak of love
don't speak at all
let's just bask in this
whatever this murk is
don't speak

roll it

2007-08-28T18:57:00.000+03:00

When dem fly up in yuh face gyal
Mek dem know dem place
Number one in a de race gyal
Could never replace
Independent and yuh strong gyal
And yuh set de pace
Fit and healthy living long gyal

Free yuh self gyal you got class and you got pride

Go to school gyal and get yuh degree
Nurture and take care of yuh pickney
Gyal yuh work hard to make yuh money

in a mighty hurry...back to school!
girl power!

Dear Sir

2007-08-18T00:12:00.000+03:00

I loathe you. I know that hate is a strong word, which is why I'm reluctant to write it now, but I have thought it countless times. My chest is heaving as I write this. my throat is clogged with tears that I will not cry. I am filled with rage. You have turned me into a raging monster. And that is not the saddest thing. The saddest thing is that you have made me doubt myself. You have made me look into the mirror searching for the sign on my face, on my body that invited you to shatter my trust. Yes Sir, I trusted you. I trusted you. I came to you looking for guidance, for a chance to prove myself. I trusted you to lead me into adulthood. Not the sort that you insinuate Sir, the sort that would have me ready to take on any professional challenges that I know are heading my way. I came to you with an eager mind. Sir, I came to you willing to work my ass off to prove just how capable I am. And I am doing that. Grudgingly. Because you have killed all the joy that I had doing my job. You have made me a sulky child again, baffling my ma as I intentionally make myself late every morning. Not because I am lazy, but because I hate even the thought of that 8 to 5 torture. It's torturous Sir,looking at you while I scream in my mind. Doing my work with a smile while I cringe and try to disappear. listening to you laugh while I have visions of you getting very very hurt. Not being able to tell how much this is messing me up because there's a chance no one will believe me. Not really anyway. They just think I'm being drama queenish. But I'm not Sir. You disgust me. You have pushed me to the edge. I am constantly worried about what you will say next. I switch off my phone,afraid of the next phone call. But I can't switch my mind off Sir. That stays on all the time, wondering whether maybe my skirts are too short,or if I smile too much. I'm even scared of doing my work too well. Was it something I said, or how I said it? I'm reluctant to do things I'd normally be aching to do because it would mean working too closely with you. It would mean giving you another chance to make my skin crawl. You see Sir, I loathe you, even while I smile at you.

speed of sound

2007-08-17T23:32:00.000+03:00

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

somehow, no matter what rock song I hear, it comes back to Chris Martin and russians. you have banished me to a siberian wasteland, and still I pine. I long. I compare you to those that truly loved me, and I start to think that I never wanted them to want me the way I want you to want me. knowing this, I should stay away from everything that reminds me of you. everything that reminds me of you...

everything reminds me of you. in some weirdly roundabout way my mind always latches onto the image of you. could I be sadder?

I am strong. I will not call you, text you, email you, or even ask to see you. I will not. I will laugh at those jokes you send me, even while my heart pines for the kisses that used to fill my inbox.

Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.

correction

2007-08-02T02:10:00.000+03:00

smellingthecoffee

eight maids milking or whatever

2007-08-02T00:59:00.001+03:00

I'm stumped on eight things. I'm not sure whether I'm shy, defiant or empty.

eight years old.I'm not sure I remember who I was when I was eight. she must have been me.I don't know. was it P.2.K or P.2.S? I was in 1.W,but i don't remember P.2 very well. I think that's the year Miss Mpagi hit me so hard (my ears were ringing all afternoon) after I lifted my head to peek when i should have been pretending to nap like everyone else. That might be the year I missed the end of year party 'cause i forgot it was`on thursday, didn't come with my good dress and was too ashamed to party with the other tutted up girls in my red and whites. yup, that's the year my sisters deserted me and made me walk all the way home...alone. I crossed atleast four roads. I was so brave.

1998. I finished primary school in 1998. no, first I got a card that was meant for another girl, then I finished primary school. everyone else thought it was mine, but when I looked into that boy's eyes as I thanked him I saw that it was meant for that other girl, not me. 1998. the year I watched my dad tumble off the pedestal I had set him up on. he taught me a lesson that I'm still afraid to learn.

18. that's how old I was when I realised that first love does not = forever. I think I loved him. He might have loved me. he still broke my barely legal heart.

8 months. I'm jinxed when it comes to eight months. i've never been in a relationship longer than eight months. It always falls apart before we hit nine.

8 am. I have to be at work by eight every day. I try so hard, but I'm a lazy bum. doesn't help that the other intern is there at 7:30 am most days.

8 snickers bars would be great. that's about shs 10,400. Iwonder if I can afford that tomorrow...

2008. done with uni! woo hoo! can barely wait. at the same time I'm shit scared. who is going to want to hire me? I don't know if I can be a serious adult. I long for independence...don't I? and I have to move out and make decisions about what to eat for supper! gasp!

two eights. his number has two eights in it. and I am several kinds of crazy

I forgot the rules. everyone's been tagged...smellingthecoffee, deg, E, you're it. and because i can't resist, Jaz. haihaihai

???

2007-07-26T20:36:00.000+03:00

have you ever thought something that is so preposterous that you cannot believe you thought it, but now that the thought is alive it's leading and you're following? how can I think this?! paranoia is so warped

we are the world

2007-07-23T21:06:00.001+03:00

I met the director of the Uganda Cancer Institute today. I was dismayed at how much information i did not have. and i'm fairly exposed to all sorts of information. the situation at the cancer wards is heart wrenching,especially the children's ward because they are so vulnerable. this disease has been ignored by our government,the media, but mostly by us. we can make it an issue. it bloody is an issue. Dr Oryem said that we cannot continue to bury our heads in the sand when it comes to cancer. the facts do not lie, and this disease is killing thousands of Ugandans silently. we did it with AIDS,we can do it with cancer. we have let it take the back seat for far too long. there is a desperate need for a clear policy on cancer in Uganda. the good Dr explained to me that cancer has been classified as a non-communicable disease and thus has been largely ignored as the health policy is geared mainly towards infectious diseases like AIDS. however, new research is showing that some forms of cancer are caused by viruses, by bacteria. have you heard of the human papilloma virus(HPV)? it's been shown to cause cervical cancer. stomach cancer is caused by bacteria, liver cancer may be caused by hepatitis. all of this information must come out into the open. and the misconception of this being a disease of the western world must end. the majority of incidences of children with cancer recorded at the institute are from the countryside. and the stigma must end. how can we be reluctant to take this on when we have seen what awareness can do? aren't we doing it with AIDS? we need to pay more attention to cancer because it is on the rise, we can prevent it, it does not have to end in death. it can be cured, but early diagnosis is crucial.

the Uganda Cancer Institute receives peanuts from the government. and this is the institute that spearheaded ground breaking research on the treatment of cancer involving the brain, on Burkitt's Lymphoma...we need to recognise that there is an overwhelming need for this institute to be up on its feet and running efficiently. this needs to be given priority. we need to pay attention to this and make the people that make policy and dish out the money pay attention to us as we highlight this struggle. let it be given the same priority as malaria and AIDS.

there is so much that I'd like to write here, but I feel a bit inadequate. we need to be empowered, and we can do that by looking for this information, by supporting this cause.

there will be an Open Day at the Uganda cancer Institute on 8th August, which will be part of the activities to mark the 40 year anniversary of this institute. they will also be launching the Uganda Child Cancer Foundation. Dr Edward Katongole Mbidde, a former director of the institute will give a public lecture on the 15th. I don't have the venue for the lecture yet, but I will put it up.

may I add that the institute will be profiled in the next issue of the Journal of National Cancer Institutes in honour of it's contribution to the global fight against cancer. It was the first of its kind in sub-saharan africa.

p.s, the institute is at the Mulago Hospital complex. looks a bit dismal, but this is hope for lots of people. we mustn't let it go out.

slapdash

2007-07-23T21:06:00.000+03:00

You know how people who almost died live life like they love it? I'm loving internship!! nothing was working and then boom! it all fell into place. my supervisor is a slave driver and a bit tight butted, but I love it. I'm doing actual work, meeting people, being creative-ish. hours are before 8am to after 5pm, and sometimes I want to lapse into my usual lazy, groaning, moaning, self, but then I remember how bad it was before, and I think how lucky I am...

and I am lucky. why am I lucky?

1. ahhh...who am i kidding? lady luck's not exactly my girl pal.

I tried to cut my own hair this weekend. first tried to circumvent the rules of optics by looking at the back of my head with one mirror. then tried to feel it. closed my eyes, did the whole 'if I were blind thing'. then I opted for the 20 something mentally unstable identification thing. all this tired me out so much that when i finally lifted the scissors, it was to put them back in my bag. then I sat down and overdosed on 'how i met your mother'.

I spent the weekend with my married sister. I love these guys but sheesh! I always felt like I was peeking. I look away for one second, look back and they are holding hands and whispering. then we are all arguing about something and suddenly I realise we aren't doing anything. they don't even know I'm here. it'so sweet though. but not quite what I needed. that plus architect mosby had me feeling quite forlorn by the time I left.well, forlorn was the after effect of the romantic inebriation that had me texting the boy that I have forgotten all about. I could blame that on the flu too. I take no responsibility for my actions.

give and it will come back to you. I helped an oldish lady carry stuff up a flight of stairs. a short flight but God doesn't count those things. I swear the lightness inmy heart could have powered the 787! I was skipping all the way back to my office. well,not my office but who cares? it doesn't always come back to you. but then again you don't always give.

Is his apparent rejection of me punishment for all the hell nos that i've said to other people?

I'm not a cool person. friend of mine keeps telling me about stuff that's stray and I keep thinking of wild animals. I have very little knowledge of the things of my generation. my da thinks I shoulda been born before him. but I can hold my own. when people my age speak I have found that it's best to keep repeating, 'hell no', smile like a crazy person, shake my head and then give them a hug. works every time.

people think I don't have much to say to them. they just didn't say much to me.

if the person that you think about even though you do not have their number does not come to you in a time of personal crisis, isn't that worse than an end? when you have held their head in your hands and been just what they need, how do you stop trying?

Note to Death and all his friends

2007-07-22T19:25:00.003+03:00

rush of blood to the head

2007-07-19T21:42:00.001+03:00

i don't have your number anymore. and I could say it backwards. I don't have your number anymore, but last night I slept with a smile on my face because of that text. I don't have your number anymore, but I replied and I didn't think twice. or even once. i don't have your number anymore, but today it was the first number I almost dialled when I had good news to share. and i'm still almost dialling. we have had conversations today. and I know what you would say, even though I don't have your number anymore.

I thought that admission was half way the battle. once you admit to having a problem, an addiction, then you are half way there and all you have to do is say NO. not no, 'cause that won't turn away an alcoholic urge or a need for speed. you know, a 'big fat NO'. the sort that should banish guilty longings. and I am saying NO. I really am. NO. please go away. how can I move on if you won't listen to NO. tricking me. apologising. making me say, "s'okay". making me ask. making me.

I am pretending, aren't I. seeing things where they really can't be. so you still use endearments? that must not mean much. and I long for it the most. I can feel your hesitation. I don't want to feel these nuances, but I do. I know what two exclamation marks mean when it's you that's using them. that you are trying to be glib, but that this is probably serious. or maybe you are being glib, and I am taking this way too serious.

you are waiting for me to call in the serious. but I did that once, twice, many times before. and you laughed at my serious. told me about the two-week rule while I struggled with my serious. how can I even ponder serious, when you walked all over it and answered it with her? but this is serious. only, I won't be the first to say. seriously. glib? I can do glib. seriously too.

I don't have your number. and I do not think of you as much. and you are in my head. mostly quiet, but not gone. not gone even though i don't have your number anymore.

mbu

2007-07-19T21:42:00.000+03:00

I'm terza rima, and I talk and smile.
Where others lock their rhymes and thoughts away
I let mine out, and chatter all the while.

I'm rarely on my own - a wasted day
Is any day that's spent without a friend,
With nothing much to do or hear or say.

I like to be with people, and depend
On company for being entertained;
Which seems a good solution, in the end.

What Poetry Form Are You?

2007-07-17T15:48:00.000+03:00

i run to my mummy today. i'm not ashamd to say that. my mind was full of thoughts that threatened to drown my smile. so I run to my mummy. i joked about needing a counsellor. she laughed too, then she looked at my face and told me to pull a chair. she told me that obstacles may be opportunities. and if they are just obstacles, then I can overcome them. she said that I can rise to the challenge, that I must rise to the challenge. and I can. I must.

look what I found! well, sort of...

2007-07-14T18:39:00.000+03:00

i found this thingy that produces a map of the places in the world that you've been to.

create your own visited country map

i haven't been anywhere, have I? I'm ashamed to confess that the UK was a transit thing. does a few hours count? once in ntungamo I stood on the top of a hill and Rwanda was visible. almost visible. my soul mate is Russian. and my heart lives on a beach in Dar. should I go fill those in, do you think?

i want to bum it at the beach

2007-07-13T10:12:00.001+03:00

Beach bum is a term used to denote a subculture, the characteristics of which may include aspects of but do not necessarily extend to the surfer, the stoner or the hippie subcultures. Jimmy Buffett is a famous archetypal beach bum.

The members of this subculture are typically ocean and beach-going people who enjoy spending spare time sitting or relaxing on a beach. As such, the life of a beach bum is usually one of leisure. This holds true if the particular beach bum is a local, a retiree, a vacationer, or just someone who enjoys life by the ocean. Beach bums like to go everyday.

i used to want to be an architect. then i kinda flunked O'level math and refused to go to the school where they would have let me do A'level math because, wait for it...it was a boarding school and sosh was compulsory! i said, hell no, i'd sell out on my dream, 'slong as I can come home every evening. so that dream died.

then I thought I'd be a lawyer. but I realised that my dad had the same idea. so in a fit of 'I can do whatever I bloody want' I changed my mind. now i'm supposed to be a journalist or some other lying sort. but i don't wanna.

sometimes i still want to be an architect. i'm ashamed of myself for not trying harder at it. plus there are lots of cute guys in tech.

my truest calling, however, is the beach. i want to be a beach bum. i'm lazy enough to rock at it. i'm practising in my landlocked home. swimming in an oversize tee, havent combed my hair in two days. only, I have the sort of hair that will not tangle, no matter how long it goes without a comb! it used to be a blessing, but it's not now that i'm going to be a beach bum.

lemme see, i can't surf...but I can rock a bikini. i don't do drugs. not yet anyway. (been keeping an eye out but they are kinda hard to find. don't believe all the campus hype.) but i know how to be stoned without being a stoner...it's all in the mind.

why is the beach so tempting? apart from the fact that i'm incredibly lazy, ofcourse. well, i'm itching to be a uni dropout, i want to fall in love with a bronzed surfer dude, wear a bikini and a lesu all day and then marry a rich tourist. isn't it easier to do at the beach?

totally unrelated but I had to.
last night on showtime some 'designer' dude all decked out in orange and blue with maroon foot wear said, "matching is when you wear colours that don't offend." (dude was offending me on several different levels!) after this he pointed out that his shades had a blue tint that matched his blue thingys. then he said mbu, "some people wear black shades when they are wearing red shirts!" he said that with real offence too. aha

my sis told us this story...mbu these guys are driving late one night when they spot what look like lions chasing the car. they drive on, and the lions follow. driver dude is getting real freaked out by now. lions are not giving up. no matter how fast he goes. driver dude is geting frantic. all of a sudden he screeches the car to a halt, pulls out the keys and jumps out of the car, fleeing for dear life! that's where the story ends, atleast for us, 'cause by this time we were all doubled up.

my theory is that dude thought the lions were after the car, hijack, watnot...ROTFLOL

how do I run away from my head? he is texting me and filling my mind with images that smell of hope. I do not need hope. i want to be a beach bum.

my father's daughter

2007-07-08T13:30:00.000+03:00

i am the poster child for cool, calm, collected. just don't look at my finger nails.

i can find a laugh in most things. i love to tease.

my clothes wear me. i am not the boss of them.

i would rather read a book. but i can watch a good movie too. chris martin knows my heart. music is my thing. well, one of my many things.

i wish i could do it all. only i can't. but i won't tell you that. it would only break your heart. and i would never break your heart on purpose.

i like my food. matooke is not food.

i'm not cold. just shy. not aloof. extremely introverted.

i would do anything for my family.

my daddy turned 54 this past week. he used to be my hero. now i know him better. he is my friend now. my laugh companion, sometimes my conscience, mostly my daddy. not a mythical figure. my flesh and blood. i am a piece of his soul. what a soul!

disenchantment

2007-06-23T15:48:00.000+03:00

i'm too old to still be learning lessons from life. if not old, then weary. i'm too weary right now. i could do with a break. I'd like to keep on believing in some of my fairy tales.

i wish everyone would stop trying to make me see the world as it is. reality is for the dead. I'd like to stay in my fantasy. the one i made. the one that rocks.

the clouds are quite soft. i don't mind resting my head there all the time. I'd like to still believe in something.

and i wish life wouldn't use the people that i love the most to teach me these lessons that threaten to break my heart. use people i don't like. it doesn't hurt as much then. i can still believe then.

growing pains

2007-06-19T11:25:00.000+03:00

a friend of mine is going through a rough time. the kind of shitty times that people call rites of passage so that they can legitimatize attempted murder. the kind where they tell you that to be a man you must walk on hot coals, then jump from the legendary falls, then swim through crocodile infested waters to the shore where the most hardworking elders are waiting to whip you with really big sticks. and my friend is not expected to show any emotion throughout this. the only emotion that is allowed is gratitude. after he has been through all the torture, he must express his gratitude to the elders and all the other little big people who have aided the elders in scarring him.

don't you hate it when the people that should have made a decision by now tell you to call them on Monday? and you have to smile and say, "sure, i'll call you monday,thank you so much for allowing me to call you monday", when you'd rather beat their brains out with your cell. but you will never beat their brains out. you will not even frown when they are looking. instead you will flash your bright smile leaving you tired and restless after that. too tired to up the megawatts when you bump into pretty boys who you have a crush on and would rather smile at.

I hate Mr men and Mr women who have to flex their little power before those that can't say shit just so they can prove to themselves over and over again that they have the power. and all because they have a corner office and they were born way before I got here and luck was on their side when my daddy chose his industry 'cause if he did what they do he'd be their boss and i'd kick their arses while they kowtow before him.

fugue

2007-06-13T11:06:00.000+03:00

fugue. to run away from who you are. a flight from oneself.

i saw that word in a book I am trying to avoid. not because it sucks but because it will give me just cause to drop whatever nonsense my lecturers gave me to study for the exams...and I can't do that just yet.

in POTC 3, Henry (is that his name?) told Elizabeth that their destinies were intertwined but never joined. I hope I never know how he feels. but I'm afraid that I might.

I'm afraid of many things

bucket cafes!

2007-06-11T15:57:00.001+03:00

I got jaz to pay for my cafe episode and she did (bless her) and then the eejit thing went and got all coy on me. fuck!
only 5 minutes left. i'm not used to this. i prefer to chew over my words and then spit them out at like at midnight. that sort of thing. daktari needs to fix this...

lemme go be a good daughter so that daktari feels like we deserve internet again.

in a word?

2007-06-11T13:11:00.000+03:00

exams. three down, two to go.
oh, and also internship placement searching. why doesn't anyone like interns? its free labour and I don't look bad or nothing...right?

2007-06-01T20:09:00.000+03:00

I will meet you at the river
I will meet you at the river

I love Mafikizolo. I'd started on a rather sad, mad blog but I have deleted that. I can only hide so much from the hope that suffuses my soul everytime I wake up in the morning.

life is real mean right now, but I will survive.

And I will meet him at the river.

this is how you remind me

2007-05-28T19:01:00.005+03:00

I miss who I was. I miss who I was before there was you. I miss that I thought that I knew what love was. And I had conquered love. Bent my emotions to my will. I miss that I believed I was invincible. That I had loved the love of my life and I would never hurt like that again. I miss my naivety. I miss my silly beliefs. I miss who I was before I met you. I miss who I was before you saw me, before you made me look at who you saw. I miss who I was before I was aware that Shelley had a point. That he should have written our names in that poem because it’s about us. I miss me before there was us. And now it’s me again. But not the same. Before, being just me was not a deficiency. Now I wonder where the rest of me went. I miss me when I was fearless and uninhibited. When I threw caution to the wind and wore my heart on my sleeve. I miss me before there was you.

I miss my music. It was just the music and I before there was you. And then we were together in the music. And now without you the music won’t stop. It’s not mine anymore. The music is treacherous. It caresses me. Just like you would. The music makes me weak. Cold play will never sound the same again. And the music won’t stop. I see you in every song. Corrine is singing trouble sleeping and I wish it wouldn’t be so true.

I hate who I have become in the aftermath of you. All that’s left is who I pretend to be. You made me feel more than I had ever felt. Extended my heart. Enhanced my every emotion. You made my happiness so happy like. I felt every breath, every thought. You made me aware of me, of you. Of everything in between. You made me see beyond what I thought I used to see. You turned my life upside down. And now I can’t live in it right side up. You have muddled me and made sense seem wrong.

You challenged everything that I believed, that I did. You never let me be. You poked and prodded till you had the real me. And you laid me bare in front of you. And you saw me. Most of me. Parts of me that I never quite knew. People become what those they love see. And I became what you saw. I am still what you saw. Only you don’t see anymore.

And I hate what I see. It’s a weakness I cannot abide. You are my weakness and I hate you for it. And I hate what I have become. I deserve more. And yet I yearn for you. I was content in you. I deserve more. I long for you. I deserve more. You don’t deserve the honesty in my feeling. You don’t deserve someone like me. I deserve more. And all I want is you.

When you love someone, but it goes to waste, could it be worse? Cold play will never sound the same again.

Why did I come here?

untitled

2007-05-28T19:01:00.002+03:00

how did this happen to me? I was sure that I'd get into unicef and when that bombed I was certain CAA would take me...they took me alright! I have three weeks to find an alternative and while I do that I must be happy for my dearest friend. I must be happy. I'm incredibly selfish but being aware of that fact I must try to think of other people more. It's not always about me. well, it is my life, so I do believe my name is first when the creds roll...

my head is being hewn into two by little men who sound incredibly like Chris Martin. how long before I get in?

I should stay up to study but a warm bed is calling. no contest.

I'm in a rut.

do you know that there are nine million bicycles in beijing? that's a fact. and I love him.

I want to stay here and pour my heart out into words but my Ma wants the PC. no contest.

closest thing to crazy

2007-05-28T19:01:00.001+03:00

How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?

This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own…
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.

How can you make me fall apart
Then break my fall with loving lies?
It's so easy to break a heart;
It's so easy to close your eyes.
How can you treat me like a child
Yet like a child I yearn for you?
How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?

...and being close to you
...and being close to you.

Katie Melua

jasmine-scented refuge

2007-05-28T19:01:00.000+03:00

do you have a place that you can go to to feel free of all the struggles that are raging on in your mind and other faculties of your body, soul, spirit? or if not a place then a person?

i have such a place. a person more like. a refuge in a soul that is linked to mine on a level much deeper than blood goes.

everyone needs something/someone like that to help them hold on to the sane or move on to the crazy if that's what it takes to keep it together. or blow it apart to make it all better.

my refuge is jasmine-scented, descended from royalty. and she has a lamp too.

hole in the head

2007-05-23T18:00:00.001+03:00

I explained to Leftie earlier in the week that by keeping your number i was actually proving how over you i was. it sounded real logical to me too. she laughed in my face. that got me thinking. and i was still thinking about that when i caught myself in mid rant to my sisters. we were dissing wusses. you know, those guys that stick around even though they know a girl's in love/lust/like/wateva with some other dude. i was saying that they are real pathetic because don't they realise that that girl ain't gon get with them simply 'cause they are too bloody available. dude, if i know you will still be there after the loser i'm kissing don't want nought to do with me, i'm going to kiss him some more and string you along too. don't they bloody see?!!Maya said that i'm mean, in my words, a real bitch. 'cause don't i realise that this is hurting them. don't i know that i should let them go. let them find some real love, you know? and Jaz said hell no! its a phase anyway, and every girl needs a wuss once in a while.
so there i am idiotically agreeing and feeling oh so superior when my bloody mind latches onto a fleeting thought. the kind that hate. this thought is shrouded in darkness but i've always been a sucker for that sort so i patiently wait for the reel to start. "IF A WUSS IS A GUY WHO STICKS AROUND EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS..." oh shit, i know where this bloody thought is going. accusing me of being a bloody female wuss! hell no! i'm no wuss. i'll tell you why too.

i'm in love with a great guy. this here princess knows exactly what she wants and she has him. well sort of has him. so what that he's been 'breaking up' with girlfy for close to a year now. chic has issues. real needy, you know that sort, don't you? so what that i barely see you. i've got my own life anyway. i don't need a guy hanging around me all the time trying to wiggle into all the corners of my life. i get irritated real quick, so seeing you so little is a blessing. isn't it? and its the 20something century anyway, conventional relationships are so like not cool, you know? if you feel me like i feel you, well then fuck society and all those other warnings from my sisters. we are soulmates. we even listen to the same music!

again, so what that he is in the middle of something? he told me himself that he isn't the kind of guy that dates two girls at the same time. and he's not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love. so what that those are keisha white's words. joan armatrading actually. did i spell that right? all that matters is that when john mayer sings 'your body is a wonderland' he is thinking of me. if we want love, we'll make it. and avant did say that he doesn't want to lie about us. he want's to tell the whole world about us. so what that he gets jealous every time i'm near a boy, but i'm supposed to be real patient about his girlfy. jealous = love, you know?

he loves ME! everyone is just hating. sunshine said it would end badly 'cause she is alone and she wishes she had some of this. and Elbie don't even know what love is. what would Sari know? she is already married to dream man anyway, she don't know what it's like to say goodbye and feel your life drain out. 'cause i did say goodbye. plenty of times. we just kept coming back to this. proves that it's meant to be, right?

it proves it. it all proves it, doesn't it? waiting in the wings for our act to start. ignoring the sane in my head telling me to run. it proves that i'm wrong. doesn't it? bet you won't agree. just mumble about how confused you are right now, and how unhappy you are. how i understand you like no one else does. and that could i just hold you? and i would too. that's why i'm not having that conversation with you. this keyboard can't quite muddle my brain like you do. because i love you so.

i woke up determined to hate you forever. and then i decided that i was going to write you a poem. not another of those 'i love you, i miss you' poems. a real honestly hurting one where i exposed you for the slimeball, loser, fuckwit, jerk that you are. i run out of bad words in bed, but i was going to ask Jaz for help on that. then i was going to post it and let the whole world know.(well, atleast the two people who read this blog!)

then i thought that maybe that wouldn't do. you see, i do love you. well, sort of. so dissing you would hurt me too. i'd defend you anyway, so no work done,eh?
and this anger feels real familiar. been here, burst that nerve before. and after my rage deflated i was still in love/lust/like with you. no, that won't do. 'cause this time i gotta get out for true, you know? so i'm getting out. i'm not going to be your wuss no more. i'm done with this. i need to be the person i was before i stumbled into this blackness we've been passing off as passion. i'm gone. i don't hate you... 'i hate me' is more likely. uh, not quite. i'm fabulous. just not a wuss anymore.

sugababes singin in my head...hole in the head. does this apply? not quite, but it sounds nice...
Ooh, won't you miss me like a hole in the head
Because I do boy,
And it's cool boy
And ooh, bet you never thought I'd get out of bed
Because of you boy,
Such a fool boy

russian roulette

2007-05-17T21:28:00.000+03:00

my waking thoughts were not of you. i was scrambling out of bed, screaming at myself in my head. how could i have overslept? slept on a crappy mattress on the floor of the living room just so i'd be uncomfortable enough to drag my bum out of bed when i ought to. got up in alot of a hurry, sat at the computer and tried to google all the stuff i should know by now. blogger kept coming up, but sense prevailed in the end. sense showed up at the eleventh hour though, after my schedule had been put back about an hour. no sweat. be out of the bathroom in a flash. all i had to do was print that work and go do that test.

i did not think of you as i walked to that place behind lumumba, not even while i waited eons for my five pages to escape that bloody slow printer. i waited patiently. watching the time speed by, repeating that mantra."it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter". knowing full well that it did matter. i hadn't looked over that one last thing. the thing i didn't have because i skipped class to blog. tap my nails on the table. look at them and cringe, i really should go do that manicure soon. put my misshapen nails back into my jacket sleeves and tap in my head. i clear my mind, try to think of PR and that stuff. shit, can barely remember what it's about. test will be a breeze. denial lives with me.
dude at the computer finally looks up to see who's been waiting. stare back blankly. then my feminity kicks in and i flash him one of those smiles i practice in the mirror. smile again as that shoves him into action, restarting my stalled printing job and apologising. smiling at me. i don't even remember his face.

i'm late. and that is all i think of as i walk/run/scurry to class. walk in and my heart drops. she is in already. halfway through the questions too. drop down into a seat. get my paper, my pen. i'm all set. so, she won't repeat the questions? no problem. just turn to my neighbour. oh hell. dude whose schemes to get my number i thwarted last semester. here goes anyway. not much help there. must be off me. whatever. i can do this.
shit i muddled that pretty bad. can't think for all the expletives and tears jostling to be the first ones out. i can't do that presentation now. would have braved it three days ago, yesterday even, but not now. not while my eyes are glazing over with the realisation that i just bloody blew that test. i'm a baby? so the fuck what? i care way too much.

my feet almost override my mind's decision to give that economics class a miss. all that's in my head is a bed. my bed. i miss my bed. autowalk on home. meet hunger at the doorstep. looking for satisfaction takes me all my break time. have to be in class soon. find lunch at gonja, just like i knew i would. don't know why i bother to go home at all for lunch. always gross stuff like matooke. (retch) class in 20. got to get a move on.

i'm scribbling on tissue and it's not about you. feel like a fever. maybe i should slip out. shit. bloody lecturer's here already. he droned on, i wrote some stuff down. something about bouncing flashes. about lighting and cameras and shots and stuff. but it sounded like a prank gone wrong. even worse, an ill-timed attempt at seduction. i'm ignoring one of my friends. i know he knows. he looks at me. i know. but i can't deal with him right now. i don't care enough to.

rushing home at the end. must catch up with laura. look at my lazy phone. no activity. someone buzzed...who? thinking i might actually sleep this time. hungry again but i did empty my pockets earlier. tea's free at home. my daddy paid in advance. sis on the computer. read a crappy novel. did i just laugh? bloody low standards. tv's on but i'm just looking. menace tries to make me watch that documentary but i really couldn't care less.
that's interesting. i did not know that seychelles was actually part of india. always thought it was from africa. bloody ignorant ass. i guess i do need an education. i just got here but i'm itching to go out again. rock night...oh yeah. no money. look at jaz hopefully. but we be broke together. i think i'll do some reading. yawn already.

i'm waiting. but it's not for you. send D a message. his granny died last night. wait some more. Elbie should be in touch. i think she mentioned gonja. nothing. wait some more. bloody internet's making me look lke a fool. sod off! error my bum. an MTN glitch is not my error. breathe in. switch this contraption off a while. read more of crappy novel headache looming. irritated that Elbie didn't bother to send me a message asking where i be. can't risk not finding her there though. so stay put until she says something. she says something alright! bloody cheek. well bucket her and all that. i know she is coming over. i wait with the angry thoughts evolving into unsuitable words in my head. she doesn't even look apologetic. "it doesn't matter".
funny. it really doesn't. i don't mind that she didn't say. i don't care. i don't give a fuck actually.

i have not thought of you today. not one single thought of you managed to cross my mind all day. i didn't see your face, nor did i imagine your grin. i haven't hummed a single coldplay song today. shelley wasn't even near to a thought. i swear. i did not think of you. i have no need to conjure up memories of you. i did not think of you today.

i just played my favourite game. random thoughts. totally unrelated. no nearer to you than gone. i played this game with my head. then my luck run out and i shot myself in the heart.

cheeseburger!!!

2007-05-09T08:24:00.003+03:00

i got comments!! i really did. y.z, i write like you in an alternate universe, so your comment is still powering my ninth cloud. lovely amphibian, cherie...oh wow!

i wasnt't going to blog today. was just passing by wondering if my sister had finally commented on my blog (!!!!!!!) but nyet. TK, anytime this millenium would be real great. anyhow, i saw the comments and then i had to blog. inspiration flooded my head, which must be swollen to gigantic proportions after that salon torture i went through today. why do we do these things to ourselves?!

got a busy day tomorrow, so...shit! it is tomorrow. catch y'all on the flip side

mens rea

2007-05-09T08:24:00.002+03:00

you were right there. i smelled your cologne, i touched your lopsided ears, the way that you pretend to hate but that i know you secretly adore. we talked about how we are drifting away from each other. you said you never meant to stay away. you want to be near me. i'm fabulous. you said that you could't stop yourself. you laughed at my hair. i got it straigtened out like you said but you were laughing anyway. the way you always do. but as you were laughing you were also stroking my head. you think my hair smells of spices and dandruff and sweat. you were laughing again. but you tightened your grip on my hand when i started to pull away. nuzzled my ear and kissed the tip of my nose. like you always do. we should go the movies again. just you and me. we were great at the movies. sharing my snickers bar, letting me eat out of your popcorn stash. you didn't like my movies but you came anyway. barely touching and yet all our senses were mingling at a level that was more intense than furtive fondling could ever be. slowing my breathing to match yours, then making it fast, slow again, then fast. on and on before i realised that you were on to me, making me follow your breathing pattern. laughing at me silently. then you were kissing my forehead and handing me another snickers bar. trying to tickle me. but you know i'm not ticklish like that, don't you? i'll smile anyway, but it's not because you tickled me. its getting dark, you think maybe you should leave. i have a better idea. let's go to that place we don't like very much, drink coke and do the crossword. bet we can finish it in record time together. we don't actually. can't think of that word, neither can you. lets go look at the stars instead. it's cool this place that we come to. not conventional, but neither are we. sit on these dirty stairs? only for you. wonderful sky at night. bright like day. and then i'm in your arms and you aren't letting go. you won't let me go. i'm everything you thought i was. i'm everything you wanted. you adore me. and you show it with tenderness. i drink it all in. this wave of emotion that's carrying us. i push the nagging thoughts out of my mind. nagging thought. just one. with a name too. i've met this thought, so maybe it's more than a thought. i push the reality out of my head and bask in the glow of this make believe that we are creating, you and me. all that matters is this moment. and in this moment it's me and you. no other people. who else matters when i'm with you and you are with me? we are together. and you won't let go. keep your hands on my waist. just the way i like it. its warm here with you. i feel protected, adored, unmentionably moved by you. our hearts rhyme. what else could matter when you rub my back just so. when you kiss my nose and ruffle my hair. when you look at me like you are home and you had no idea that home was so amazing.you are laughing at me again. i don't know what you find so amusing about me. but you are laughing anyway. i could listen to the sound of you chuckling away all night. it's morning too fast. i feel you slipping away. i'm confused. you wanted to stay with me. i'm sure that you want to. don't go. i'm awake now. without you. you're gone. all i'm left with is your smell that's so real. your touch that i can still feel. and these tears that must not fall. i dream of you. i dream of you even though you are not mine. i have no right, but i dream of you. i think of you. i dream of you.

pieces of me

2007-05-09T08:24:00.001+03:00

i forget how much power I hold inside of me. i'm full of this awesome energy. it's not important that it's way too late for energy and i should feel this said energy for more important (really?!) things like maybe finish that work that daktari gave me to do. oh heck!

watchn that nigerian duo, p-square, on UBC. yes, i am a model citizen and i do watch the national television station which i love love love.(that was for any gov guys reading this!) i thought that i'd intern at UBC, but then i decided that broadcast isn't really my thing. i figured it was wise to rethink that idea when i realised that my childhood stage fright has grown into full blown perfomance phobia. i will not be any good peeing on live TV.

i have to make a presentation on monday...NOT looking forward to that! i'm trying to improve myself. be the absolute best that i can be. want to rediscover the library, find my passion for sewing again, maybe draw...maybe not! i want to be passionate and to lead a meaningful life. big word that one. meaningful. what does it mean? to whose standard must i conform as far as meaningful goes? who dictates what is and isn't meaningful? ah, fuck meaningful then. giving me a headache trying to figure out what i meant by it in the firest place. i'll just stick to what is right, what makes me feel good and what makes the people that i love feel good.
also what makes that cute guy that i'm crushing on notice me finally! hehehe

i did my own hair saturday. it didn't work out so great though! i was smiling bravely in that pic but i really wanted to scream. not a patient person, so i didn't dry it enough. but i am proud that i did it on my own. saved salon money which i promptly spent on those incredible fries at gonja. have i told y'all about gonja? GO TO GONJA!!!

mental note; ask for help the next time love.

kittybuddha

2007-05-09T08:24:00.000+03:00

Gray kittybuddha
December 2006-May 2007

i have four cats. well, now that my kittybuddha is gone i've got three cats. and three kittens. but those are not really mine, not yet anyway. no bond there.
why was i really cut up about gray's death? he died alone. without us there. atleast i was there when my dog passed on. he was so little, we should have protected him. don't quite know what did him in. we are thinking a snake. my poor kitty.

be brave

2007-05-04T19:39:00.001+03:00

marianne williamson is telling me to get on with it. to let my light shine. was it Jesus who said that? i feel like i've held back so long i can't find whatever spark of life, of sanity, of the me that i had stored away for when it was safe to be different. i'm tired of being scared. been avoiding the pc, gave my journal away...just so that i wouldn't write. i can't lie in print. i could sucker you up straight face to face but writing it down mostly won't do. this is the only honest thing for me. to write. and i've let it go. just like i've let most things that ever made any sense in my life go. i let God go. disappointed myself and blamed it on him. i let my mind go to waste. all my potential's been buried somewhere deep that i can't find. 'i know it all, i just can't remember it all at once' i feel like a right prick when my professors look at me like i should know what that is and i know that i SHOULD know what the bloody thing is, but my mind is blank because if i open up that one part than i release the floodgates and i'm not sure i can stand that change. i'm headed for greatness but i'm trying to change that plan, or just slow down the traffic enough that i can slip away unnoticed. is that the way that word is spelled?
i let go of my heart that day that i let go of God. been making the dumbest mistakes since. not that i never made any of those before but i had someone to wipe my slate and hold my heart as i tried again, as i got better. i had some one that i could depend on. now i am lost. far from all i know. far from all that my soul reaches for. who was it that said something about man's reach exceeding his grasp?“Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?” Robert Browning. Robert Browning. that's a story for another day. why not today? its jumbled up thoughts anyway, right? 'HOW DO I LOVE THEE?' Elizabeth Barrett Browning. that poem gives me the chills. real chils that run down my back, make my heart ache with longing. make my heart pound with all the blood that's rushing through my body with the realisation that this is what my heart says. it speaks the language of my soul. the language that i can barely understand now even though i'm the creator and the editor of it.i know this. i know this because it is true. my heart...my heart...my heart
loserloverloserlover
pounding
skipping
simmering
fleeting
my heart
my heart
loserlover
my heart
i am in trouble. i don't usually do things that last. i make sure not to. that is why i let go of D. that would last. i let go anyway. and i walked right into the trap of love. lust, infatuation. call it what you may. it feels a lot like love. granted that i have no idea what that actually feels like. don't i now what it feels like? i have never felt like this before. it's in my head, in my heart, in my soul, in all the dark crevices that i dare not go. all that i feel for you. i dare not speak it, i dare not feel the intensity of it. just the thought of you burns me up with longing, makes me hurt with wanting. i worry about you. i know when that damn team is playing, and i'm not even into soccer! i wonder if you got to class, what party you are at. my heart constricted that day that i heard you got drunk at a party. without me...to do what? without me to do what? hold your head while the world swam around you? take that other drink out of your hand? take you with me when it was time to go? without me to what?
i stayed away today
kept my heart in place
i let you turn away
so we would not be overtaken
i stayed away today
i let you avoid this
choice that i thought we
would make
i stayed away again
i stayed away
even though my heart broke again
i stayed away
it all comes back to this. TK says i should go right through it and feel all the emotions. that there's got to be an end somewhere. where?

back and forth

2007-05-04T19:39:00.000+03:00

Its friday
And Im ready to sing pick up my girls
And hit the party scene

where are all my girls? it's friday and i'm getting antsy sitted here doing nothng. bloging is something but it's not what i had in mind for today. been a while. not much hashapened and yet a lot has happened.
i'm in denial. i can't do this. not today

expletives

2007-04-12T21:52:00.000+03:00

i'm not a very patient person. strike the very. i'm not patient at all. i've been trying to get into blogger for the entire evning. been more than a couple of hours. ranted about it on my facebook page. i can barely believe the stories that are coming out of the madness tht was kampala city today. people were killed today. and all for what? the demo over the sale of mabira went wrong, as demos are often wont to. i don't want to get into the mix of who is right and which thieving indian is wrong, that really isn't going to change. the deal is done, its over. we'll be better with the increased production anyway. and if we aren't, well so what? either way we lose. the point here is the violence that kampala descends into whenever an 'issue' comes up. i live on the great makerere hill so i know all about violence. people died. its hard to stomach that. i saw the charred remains of that asians little scooter and i could barely believe that those were pics of kamapala. not our northern warzone, but kampala. i've seen burnt vehicles on campus but what made this picture particularly scary was that it was like a flashback to the darkness that was amin. i wouldn't know what that was like, being a 'museveni child', but i have heard stories,watched documentaries about that time. does watching mississipi masala count? its scary because it just goes to show how near it all is. the madness i mean. the madness that will push one group of people to destroy another group and blame it on whatever flimsy whatnot they can conjure up. its evil, its sick. its plain stupid.
i have a headache from keeping my jumble up in my head while i tried to get in here so that i could spew it all out. had more than a couple of moments of panic. almost did the stupidest thing. i'm shit scared of being alone so most times i try to fill out my life with seeing people. my social scene is very thin though so i do end up seeing the same people over and over again. tires my friends out. couldn't do that today. was stuck alone with the thoughts in my head. words were bursting out of me. they always are but it was more than usual today. i was scribbling at the back of my book in my photojourn lecture. bloody boring lecture too. thought we'd be out shooting today,but no, more theoretical drivel instead. anyhow, i tried one of my dearest friends although i'm tempted to drop the dearest seeing as he is really never available. that makes me sound like a psycho bitch, i know. but this is a guy that i could call up no matter when and he'd be there, and we'd talk about nothing really and just be...well, just be. no drama with him. the perfect guy. he listened, he counseled, he loved me unconditionally. ranted about the drama in our lives and listened to music and counted cars... and now it looks like i have to make an appointment three weeks early if i want to see him! bugger! wish that D was nearer. am i taking advantage of him? probably. but i don't see it like that. we are friends. so what if he harbours different ideas for the two of us. i loved him once, maybe i could again?
almost did the unthinkabe today. contact with the loser. i go nuts every couple of days (sometimes it takes longer) and feel like i must contact him, see him, be with him. that sort of crazy thing. got the loco attack today. blame it on the bloody blog page refusing to open. i think i am safe now because there is no way that i can get out of the house at this time anyway, i'm tired enough to sleep and the bloody page did open. also,i thought about it and realised that the pieces of my heart that are left cannot take another of the batterings that rejection gives. he might reply and come see me. but i know (almost for sure) that he won't, i'll go to bed with a worse ache in my heart than in my head and i'll feel a little more worthless. how cruel is life? how can your heart beat for one that barely acknowledges your existance? it's not fair that i'm feeling like this. life's supposed to be a choice. i choose to feel him or i choose not to. crap, i know. but i really believed that i could decide who to like and who not to like. until he happened. it wasn't meant to go like this. i'm in love with a loser who is in love with someone else. that's what i tell myself to make it sound more romantic but the pathetic truth is that i'm in love with a guy who isnt in love with ME. that's the point. not who he is with, but who he ISN'T with.

i love you Mr Darcy

2007-04-09T17:21:00.002+03:00

"i love you...most ardently"
that has got to be my most favorite part in Pride and Prejudice. the one with keira knightley. brilliant. jane austen...just brilliant.
pretty good day today. class wasn't so terrible(still hv alot to read up on!!) then i got home and matthew macfayden was winking at me. i shudv dne my laundry but heck, who cn resist a charming hunk oozing austen romance? i know i cnt! tomorrow i will definitely do my laundry. either tht or i go shopping for sme new threads! i think laundry is cheaper at this rate.
i've always loved my literature. suffered as the butt of jokes in high school for siding with one of my favorite villains,shylock (al pacino is brilliant in this role!), knowing what Jane Eyre was about,for having a favorite part in Steinbeck's Grapes of Wrath. btw, the farewell scene in 'A Man For All Seasons' is one of the most powerful pieces of work that i have ever read. i'm no puritan though. i've read my share of mills and boon type novels. flowed with the danielle steel hype too. but i must admit that the pleasure out of reading an austen novel, reading a browning poem or one of these new ones that hold that same poignancy cannot be achieved from any of the other things that deign to be called literature.
back to Darcy. is it foolish of me to hope that i shall meet a guy in this nature endowed environ who is not limited to the rhymes of ragga dee but can quote me some shelley or can tell me whether austen's lydia was a tard too dizzy (r there girls like tht? really?). and has heard of bukenya, not the adulterous catholic but the poet, austin bukenya. maybe this is too much to expect on a campus where the lazy sods that propose to 'know me' come up with incredible deliveries of the lame 'what are your hobbies?' wtf?!! said with a straight face too. i cringe at the memory. and in that same week i ws under double attack from a guy and his roommate. they got the briliant idea that if they did a two-pronged form of idntknwwat then they'd hv better chances. wat is this? high school??!! ROTFLOL
i wish that i could be a guy for a week. two at the very least. i'd show them how its done. i do know a few guys who give a stellar perfomance of sense and sensibility, but alas i am stricken with the best friend disease. the one that most girls run away from. i'm the best friend that the guys tell stories of their broken hearts, their lost loves. BUCKET! kiss ME already!
i have been wooed with poetry. one unforgettable guy that i am yet to forget. i still torture myself with shelley's 'love's philosophy'...'what are all these kissings worth if thou kiss not me?'. now that's a boy who's got his game together. loser,where art thou? (sigh)
speaking of losers, i still hvnt applied anywhere for my mandatory internship. i must MUST do tht this week. no more excuses. have got two test lined up next week so no more daily visits to 'gonja' and no more walks. hvnt done much walking this semester though. i get lazier by the second! supper beckons and beyond that my bed is shining. i sleep way too early for a 20 something, i know. some people were made for the night and others...well, others like their slumber

love's philosophy

2007-04-09T17:21:00.001+03:00

the fountains mingle with the river
and the rivers with the ocean,
the winds of heaven mix for ever
with a sweet emotion;
nothing in the world is single,
all things by a law devine
in one another's being mingle -
why not I with thine?

see the mountains kiss high heaven
and the waves clasp one another;
no sister-flower would be forgiven
if it disdain'd its brother:
and the sunlight clasps the earth,
and the moonbeams kiss the sea -
what are all these kissings worth,
if thou kiss not me?

percy bysshe shelley

WTF?!!!!

2007-04-09T17:21:00.000+03:00

bloody weekend is over way too fast. hvnt done any of the stuff i ws spozd to do. did plenty tht i wsnt tho...more fun too. saw the ex at some point. very tender feelings (wtf?!!!) left there. but nothing spectacular. very forgettable actually. rock night ws not rockn. but thts partly coz i ws still waitn for him(wtf?!!!) and some chick thot tht she cud be wit one of my best buds. i'm figuring chick dnt knw abt the gf. the totally hot gf. my bundle of energy danced away bt i ws bored, wat with the serious lack of legal and sensible guys. there really should be a rule about lettn kids out at night. especially kids tht look like they do wen i'm nt supposed to touch or nothing!crashed at my cuzn's place. woke up next to his best friend. nothing happened there. nothing's ever happening there cme to think of it. flirting is great tho. spent saturday following boss sister and her house mate around hot dusty kampala. shouldv stayed wher there were boys and chicken, but no, i wntd to be with family(wtf?!!!)lovely icecream in bugos(mental note). spent saturday night cooking, tht sort of faded into sunday cooking then this haze of tiredness and shit. am i a slut if i kiss a boy i hv no intention of being with? i really must throw away any hope of regaining any sort of sense as far as me and cuzn's bf r concerned but...a girl cn hope. its not him tht i wnt tho. weird tht the more loser rejects me the harder i fall. wat's tht called? oh i knw, bloody insanity! gt a txt frm him. my heart ws leaping all day aftr tht.lol its pathetic, really it is. thinking tht if brother knew hw bad i've got it he so wudnt pass up on this. he ws feeling me. i knw he ws. nw i've sent txts tht i knw i bloody shudnt. wondering if i shud do coffee wit him...kiss him while i'm at it? WTF?!!!!

2007-04-03T08:22:00.001+03:00

stayed home all day yesterday. felt good to just do nothing all day. break that i feel was long overdue.well, i feel like i deserve a break all the time. aslong as i'm doin any sort of work. lol now i'm home again, no class in the morning, but i do have a class at 4pm. bugger!!i'd rather stay in again, but i guess i do have to study. haven't applied for my internship placement yet. must do that soon. wha ti'd like to figure out is whether i'm expected to do real work.its exciting and yet really scary. the only job i've ever had was a vacation job, and that lasted all of two months. feeling a bit inadequate really. but i am excptional, so that would take care of that, right? feeling restless,like there's something that i should be doing but i haven't figured out what. feeling like a butterfly in a chrysalis. well, i wouldn't know what that feels like but my senses are heightened, my emotions are magnified, i'm full of anticipation but i have no idea waht i should be waiting for! looking at another possibility for internship. the CAA. thts the civil aviation authority. sounds exciting. i could become like a travel editor or something, and then i'd get to travel around the world, see the sights, meet mr. wonderful (one in every city!)... that sounds more interesting than unicef. but i might have better luck in unicef. what's the point of it anyway?i should be able to get my degree without being used as free labour in some random organisation. i don't feel like it will be a real learning experience for me. i'm scared. i guess it will be good for me. conacts and that sort of thing. whatever
thinking that maybe i'll go out tomorrow. rock night. love rock.thing is every time i go i end up waiting for this guy, who never shows. not a random guy, that would be easier to sort. just this one guy that i'm stuck on. hilarious situation really. i should know better but it's like my heart looks for the saddest most hopeless situation and then settles for years and years! only thing that i'm actually consistent with. i wish my attention span for guys would be like it is for the rest of my life (especially school!) but no, i'm a one guy for a long time kind of girl. i guess that means i'm monogamous. bugger

2007-04-03T08:22:00.000+03:00

terrible day yesterday. thought i'd explain but the words are all jumbled up in my head, kind of like a rock song. should hve been a happy day seeing as it was his birthday but not being able to be with him sort of ruined it. it would do that. i wonder how it went, jealous as hell of anyone that's close enough to know. i'm nuts!!!
skipping my first class today so that i can be ready for my next class. i'd rather do media law than managerial economics anyday so i'm not too cut up about it. this mass communication thing is supposed to be easier than this. instead i'm running around like a headless chicken trying to figure it all out. i must admit though that all the panic is mostly due to the fact that i never do my readings on time and i leave everything to the last minute. NOT a good habit
thinking that i might have to go to the unicef offices today. i really can't let the matter of my internship lie anymore. my dad is back though. that's a plus for me, but i have this nagging feeling that i should do this on my own, not use him to get in. it would be more fulfilling and whatnot. maybe if i hold off long enough the feeling will go away and i can let him do all the dirty work! how long would that take, i wonder? i do have the most annoying problem with my conscience. got home really tired and out o sorts last night, thus my missing post. but i'll be sure to make up for it today...or not

2007-04-01T19:39:00.002+03:00

in all my excitement i posted that first one twice. ooops. new at this so go easy on me

2007-04-01T19:39:00.001+03:00

i'm falling over myself with excitement! i can hardly believe that i am finally doing this. spent eons reading the posts of other bloggers (my fellow bloggers...sigh) and today had to be the day that i finally got up here and took my place on this hallowed front for wit and whatnot. thisissogreatsogreat!!!
now all of you are asking what this long awaited(ahem) blog is about. i have considered all the things that i love to do, eating, music, movies, going out, art...blah blah. after going through the whole lot of them (well,i did go through the food part) i'm still stumped on what specifics this blog is going to be about. shoot me but i'm the queen of proscratination, so rather than toil over that decision i've decided to skip it all together and let this be random. so, these are my random thoughts. some don't make sense, but then again who appointed you judge? 'take me as i am'...although i do feel like that's crap when you consider that some people could try harder to not be so friggin pathetic!
i'm so excited!going to play around with settings and stuff. shall i do this everyday? i think so, but i do have an attention span of about two seconds!! except when it comes to boys...sucky. will tell you all about

2007-04-01T19:39:00.000+03:00